A sincere apology for my absence. My life over the past few months, which still isn't in order, has been all over the place. I have not lived in a single place for any significant period of time since May. From studying to the bar to taking the bar to moving...twice, I've just not been able to really write at all. I'm actually at my new office right now, sitting on a couch, writing this. I did get a pretty neat new laptop though, so it's not so bad.
Which leads me to my third point. I've been sort of depressed, and passing the bar, which I'd been waiting for...since I started law school, wasn't as fulfilling as I thought it'd be. And that's always a depressing thing. I went to this law review alumni party thing. And that was incredibly depressing. No matter how hard you try, the things you do, the meaning behind them, if there is any meaning at all, will never last forever.
Maybe it's not as bad as that, but that's how I've been feeling. Which leads me to my fourth point. I'm in an incredibly difficult situation when it comes to work. I opted to not try to get a job at a big firm and work for my father. He is trying to retire, and I am going to try to take over the firm or practice or whatever. For at least a few reasons. My dad, without getting into any details, is having some health problems and is having more difficulty working. I've been trying to work with him so that he can more easily retire, especially before the health issues make it impossible for him to work altogether.
This arrangement of working for him sounds fine, of course, but it's been rough. For one, I don't really make any money here. There's not enough to go around for his retirement and my income, especially since another lawyer has just joined. For two, it's difficult working with parents all the time. (No one can annoy you like a parent can.) Especially when one considers for three: I've had to move back in with my parents because of for one. I'm with my parents (or parent) almost every moment of every day. This has caused a lot of stress, as can be imagined.
Mostly, I feel very stuck. I know the arrangement is only temporary, until my parents are in good shape, but it feels like, as I am 28 years old, I am fully reaching adulthood. This is especially difficult for me because I feel like there's nothing on the other side of it. No family of my own, no house to share with that family, no prospects at all.As such, it feels like I'm pouring a great deal of effort into my parents as a means of trying to fill other voids. And what's worse is that my dad feels guilty, even though he has no reason to. I think he sees me going to sleep alone in a small bedroom at his house as a certain kind of failure. Maybe even a tragic thing. It's hardly a good scenario, but I don't know what else to do.
To be entirely fair, it isn't all bad. I am getting incredible experience, I like helping my dad, and I am thrilled not to be part of the crazy world that is the big law firm. When I take over completely, I'll (hopefully) be making enough money. It's just, for now, very trying. I have no friends who live in town any more, no love interests, no current major goals besides that retirement goal for him; just my family and my dogs. How close I've grown to my dogs!
Anyway, it's been a difficult transition, and it's still going on, but that's why I've been away. It's a process that has drained a lot from me. It's made me get interested in really boring and pointless things. Like technology. Hence the new laptop. And movies. I do a lot of sitting in bed watching movies on my phone. I have unlimited data and my parents don't have serious internet where they live, so I have to use the phone. Hence also me writing this from the office.
But this sounds like a crybaby thing. It's not. I'm just trying to explain where I've been, what I'm doing, what I'm feeling. I'm trying to get back into writing on here because it's good for me, and it's a project worth doing. I often feel like I don't have enough to say though. I'm only an armchair philosopher (and there's some things that are so important to get right that I don't want to mess up), and sometimes I can't tell if my little life stories are interesting to people out there. But I have some stuff I've been thinking about. When I have solid internet, I'll do what I can to post.
And please don't misunderstand this post. My dad is an absolutely wonderful person. He would live and die for his family. Which he has. It's the absolute least I can do.